After my first encounter with miscarriage, I was eager to get pregnant again. I couldn’t imagine myself being happy without it. I wasn’t sure how I got by previously without being pregnant. During this period, I sought Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to nourish my health back as well.

I took upon myself to nurse my health back after 3 months and tried again. I went through a frozen IVF cycle and did not conceived. That left me feeling so devastated as I sobbed terribly and my hubby comforted me.

Thereafter, my determinance superseded my sadness and that led me to another round of IVF cycle. 6 months later, I conceived again and it was a pair of twins! I sensed it even before I was tested positive as I was felt very hungry in the night and needed to have supper. I was happily telling my hubby that it would be either both boys or both girls!

The first trimester was challenging, the hunger was fast and intense. I felt like I had to eat this instant or I would faint. This left me totally drained out of energy. As the days went by, I grew bigger with the twin growing inside me. The stretch and the weight was putting a strain on me. During this point in time,  my gynaecologist told me about the condition known as Cervical Incompetence (CI), which was the suspected root cause in my first pregnancy. Hence, I decided to do a cervical cervlage to have double assurance that this pregnancy could hold till full term.

We closely monitored with our gynaecologist in the first trimester to ensure the pregnancy went well and the plan was to go for the procedure when I crossed into the second trimester mark.

Soon, the time came, I was scheduled for the procedure. It was a simple process but there was still risk involved should infection set in. In the worst scenario, it may trigger early labour. I personally took steps to reduce my work load and scheduled my bed rest accordingly. I borrowed a few books from friends and planned to read books or watch television dramas during my bed rest. Everything was prepared for and I went into the surgery room with my hopes high. The surgery was a success and I stayed overnight to ensure everything was fine before getting discharged.

Back home, I scheduled a routine for bed rest. Everything went accordingly to plan though I was starting to get bored with the mundane routine. Sadly, the unpreventable thing happen again. I saw bleeding one morning when I woke up. I rushed to the hospital and was being told by my gynaecologist that my stitch tore!

I encouraged myself and clung onto every ounce of hope left. I was admitted immediately with strict bed rest this time and to hold out for as long as I can. Unfortunately, infection set in again and one of the twins slipped out. I was forced to deliver, still hoping that I could save one of the twins. Nothing went right and the second twin came shortly after the first without me even pushing.

At 21 weeks of gestation, they had no chance of survival at all. We looked at them struggling to breathe and yet, there was nothing we can do. This sense of helplessness overwhelmed us. I was pushed in for a D&C thereafter and woke up in denial. I asked to see my twins again and was guilt-ridden. I asked myself what had I done, to create life or otherwise? Did I give them their best chance of survival or did I rush into it too quickly?

Nothing can be undone or unsaved. The question now was how to pick up the pieces. When one door closes, another opens. Now then I realise that it is true! Just as I was feeling hopeless and desperate, help came from people whom I didn’t know. Readers wrote to me and shared about their pregnancy journeys, their gynaecologists and TCM contacts. Through this
, I manage to find my current high risk gynaecologist. I also took a 1 year break to rest, nurture my health back again, lost weight and exercise regularly. More friends came to visit and comforted me as well. I was glad for their care and concern which helped in coping with my grief too.

I took another year break upon hearing from God and this time, the wait was not without result. I conceive naturally in November 2015 after 10 years of marriage and delivered my rainbow baby in June 2016. Praise God!buy-now



Read about my first miscarriage.


About Author


Felicia Tan, speaker, blogger and author of To Baby With Love, Lost And Found and A Gift From Heaven draws her experience from two miscarriages and one rainbow baby, had a deep understanding of the issues faced by pregnant mothers, mothers who have lost their children and being a mother.

Having gone through an arduous journey filled with disappointments, she started Art Of Life to share about her journey and how she overcame them through a positive mindset.

Her stories has led to features on The Straits Times, Motherhood, Young Parents and more.

Read more about her.

Facebooktwitter TanFeaturedPregnancyAfter my first encounter with miscarriage, I was eager to get pregnant again. I couldn't imagine myself being happy without it. I wasn't sure how I got by previously without being pregnant. During this period, I sought Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to nourish my health back as well. I took...Pregnancy . Baby . Parenting