Heart Wrenching Moment – Going to School
As I wrote this, it has been a month since my son started going to childcare at 18 months since 18th Jan this year. The struggle was not about carrying him with his school bag and walking under the hot sun. The struggle was not about getting us ready in time to send him to school every day. The struggle was not physically but mentally. The real challenging moments came when he was being carried away by the teacher and he stretched out his hands towards me yelling, “Mummy”. Inside me, my heart had already yield and shattered, yet I stared at him and said, “I will come and pick you up later.”.
Every part of me wants to go over and carry my precious child back but deep down, it was not advisable to do so. You justify your actions by feeding yourself with reasons – like he will soon enjoy school and have friends to play with. He will enjoy his time in school, but just not right now. Obviously neither do I see it, at least on the surface level, but I know that in time to come, I will be able to reap the rewards. Then again, when is that going to happen, how many days or months?
You walked out of the door and tried to peep in from outside. However, it made the situation worst. He was all teary and sobbing hard. Your heart bled, you felt like it was end of the world, at least in mine and his world right now. I decided to walk away, hoping that things will turn for the better.
The remaining of the day I found myself checking the clock every now and then, reminding myself again and again of the time to pick him up. What time should I be ready, reminding myself not to drag or delay for it means another minute later to be with him.
Finally the time came and you stepped out of the house without any delay and rushed to his school but tried to look calm about it. Upon stepping in, you realised he was still sleeping. All the anticipation fell to the ground, but I was happy that the moment he woke up he will see me. I enjoyed this special moment – every morning when he wakes up and I am by his side. Of course, there are times where he might wake up crying but it makes you feel relieved that you are already there to comfort him.
Back in school, he tossed and turned – signalling that he would be awake soon. He opened his eyes suddenly and saw that I was here. He jumped up and clung onto me tightly, with no chance of letting go. It seemed to mean that he wanted me to bring him out at that instant. I briefly comforted him, carried him up swiftly, got his school bag and bade the teacher good bye before we stepped out of the school. This marked the end of today and the routine repeats tomorrow. Hopefully, I can deal with it better and my child would grow up soon enough to embrace school. Until then, it will still be a heart wrenching moment for me now. Slowly but surely, things will get better.
Felicia Tan, speaker, blogger and author of To Baby With Love, Lost And Found and A Gift From Heaven draws her experience from two miscarriages and one rainbow baby, had a deep understanding of the issues faced by pregnant mothers, mothers who have lost their children and being a mother.
Having gone through an arduous journey filled with disappointments, she started Art Of Life to share about her journey and how she overcame them through a positive mindset.
Her stories has led to features on The Straits Times, Motherhood, Young Parents and more.
Read more about her.https://www.babyclub.com.sg/heart-wrenching-moment-school/FeaturedPregnancyAs I wrote this, it has been a month since my son started going to childcare at 18 months since 18th Jan this year. The struggle was not about carrying him with his school bag and walking under the hot sun. The struggle was not about getting us ready...Felicia TanFelicia Tanfeliciatan@babyclub.com.sgAuthorBaby Club Singapore